Time won't heal all wounds
by Melhb
Summary: Spencer Reid thought, that he knew about how people could hurt each other. But the horrible past of a young deranged woman won't let go of him! Reid centric post rev
1. Chapter 1

It's my first criminal minds story in english language, so please be patient with me. I wrote it already in german and it takes me some time to translate it, so the chapter is a bit short!

I don't own criminal minds and I don't earn money with that.

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He hated it, when he should talk in front of other people, but he hated it much more, when others stared at him. And now seven people directed her looks on him, waiting impatiently for him to tell why he was here, what had happened that it came so far. He never felt that he belonged to somewhere or someone, but finally he felt here totally wrong, this wasn't place he should be. He wasn't like the other, not the freaked out junkie like they were. In the last days he heard all their stories, he was completely different. He hadn't been criminal, stealing or maybe killing other people, he wasn't addicted like them, he was a FBI Profiler, he didn't have anything in common with them. But a look on the puncture marks on his arms told him very clearly that he wasn't that kind of different.

He was addicted, knowing the abyss he walked along during the last months, that he lied to his friends, the effort to hide being addicted to Dilaudid and the worst thing, the lie he believed that he could handle it. Spencer Reid totally lost control about himself and his whole life. At least his breakdown during a case in Phoenix had been so necessary to stop him from destroying himself. He had an accidentally overdose and would have died, if Emily hadn't found him in due time. His breakdown made it impossible for him to hide any longer to he was a drug addict. The other team members had their own suspicions what was wrong with him, why he was so aggressive or so absent. They tried to talk to him, hoping he would realize that they were his friends nearly his family, but nothing happened. The first days in the hospital he didn't want to see anyone of them, too painful to see them after he had disappointed them so much. They must hate him, be angry on him for acting this way. All the offering to help came back to his mind and made him feel guilty. He was so stubborn, to proud to accept that he couldn't handle alone the horror able things he went through. He thought about leaving the FBI without saying good bye to his friends. But they never thought about giving up on their little boy they always wanted to protect. Spencer wasn't the only one who felt guilty. The question if they should have done more to help him impended over them while waiting in the hospital for a couple of days. Hotch was one of the first Spencer wanted to talk with, but he wasn't able to say much. Started to cry like a little boy, trying to hide from his friend who always treated him as a respectable person, afraid that Hotch would tell him how false his behavior was and that he wouldn't be a member of the team anymore. But nothing like that happened. Hotch hugged him without any hesitation, holding the younger agent till he stopped crying, telling him, everything would be okay and that they will never give up on him. After long conversations Spencer agreed to a therapy, he knew he wouldn't make it without help. Before he left, his team members told him they would wait for him and that he would still be a part of them, but he wasn't sure. What had happened changed everyone of them, things wouldn't be the same again.

All these things went through his head while he looked into the seven faces around him, asking himself if they understood him. How could they? They hadn't been held hostage by a mental ill individual who forced him to decide about life and death of other people and to choose which member of his team should die. It was hard enough make such a decision about people he didn't know, but his team, his friends, the only kind of family he had known for years? The most bizarre thing for Spencer was, he didn't blame Tobias so much as he blamed himself for acting too stubborn in that situation with JJ. They should have waited for the others. And he couldn't blame Tobias, 'cause he knew too much about this dissociative disorder. But for all that he told them everything what happened in that cabin,how he stole the Dilaudid from a dead man and how he escaped into drug using, so he could forget what a little while what was bothering him. In the beginning he thought he could control his addiction, but he was wrong, sooner as he could realize the addiction took advantage of him. He didn't know how much time had passed, but no one was able to say a word after he finished. The group leader took a look on his watch and he saw that the time for the session was over.

Spencer was for nearly 2 weeks in the clinic and he knew nearly all stories of the certain group members except one. The story of Lilith. He never heard her speaking only one word, she only sat there, looking him directly in his eyes but she never said anything, not in the sessions or anytime else. To answer a question she nodded or shook her head. She was small and delicate, she seemed fragile what was intensified by her long black hair which she always wore in a knot, her big blue eyes, her very light skin and her always black clothing. Everyone there called her "silent snow white".

On the next day Spencer during a party chess with Jasper, he decided to talk to him about Lilith. He was sure that only a traumatic experience caused her behavior. Jasper was 21 and became a friend for him, he was hospitalized 'cause he was addicted to amphetamine. He freaked out during a college exam. His parents had high expectations on him which fell of short after that.

"Spencer, it's your move now."

"Sorry, I was a little bit absent."

"Oh, really? Didn't get," Jasper loved being sarcastic.

"What do you know about Lilith?"

"Silent snow white? Oh, not much, but wait, I know someone, who can tell you more. Hey Kele, come over here. Our little FBI genius wants to know some random facts about our silent snow white."

Kele, a seventeen year old Afro-American whose parents had brought him here due to his excessive consume of dope, came over to them.

"What can I do for you guys?"

"Spencer wants to know something about our little beautiful snow white."

"Oh man, don't ever think about that."

"I don't want to ask her out. I'm interested why she doesn't speak."

"Interesting for someone with your job?"

"Maybe, what do you know about her?"

"Lilith Wainwright, twenty years old, privileged household, addicted to heroin and pills. When she was eight, her parents started to sexually abuse her. They sold her to foreign people for sexual services. At the age of fifteen, a teacher from her highschool got distrustful and called the police. When they arrived at their parent's house, they were gone. The police only found lots of books, they had listed who had absused their daughter for money. After that she started the classical drug career, pills, dope, cocaine, speed and heroin. After she survived an overdose, she came here."

"She still looks so young, so unblemished."

"Her body may be, but she is broken. She's here for over three months, and she never said a word, nothing. You could think that she is a statue, except when she plays piano. Lilith is allowed to play piano for two hours a day and she's damn good."

Spencer took a long look at her, Lilith sat a at window, glancing outside.

"Does she get psychological attend here?"

"Spencer, look around you, we're too many patients here as they could help someone like her. For most of them here, she's crazy. She will get back on the streets, till she has the next overdose and she comes in another clinic or she dies on the street.

"She isn't crazy."

"I didn't say that, genius, but why you're so interested in her?"

"Someone must help her. It isn't right to give her up like that."

"There was a chance to help her, but it's gone long. Somebody should have taken her away from her parents when she was a child."

"How do you know so much about her?"

"Oh, I help the secretary to reorganize her office, and I had a chance to take a look on some files."

In the evening after another therapy session Spencer heard someone playing piano. He recognized the composition, it was from Beethoven. The door was ajar, so he entered the room. As he suggested, Lilith sat at the piano, eyes closed, totally concentrated on her play. Spencer was fascinated, she seemed so relaxed in that moment, so peaceful and she didn't hear him. After she finished, she sank her head and twiddled one's thumbs. Spencer took the chance to speak to her.

"You play very good."

Lilith turned round to him, and she look scared at him.

"I'm sorry, I didn't want to frighten you, but I heard you play and I just wanted to listen. You don't have to be afraid, I'm Spencer."

He hold out his right hand, but Lilith didn't take it-

"You're Lilith, right?"

She didn't answer, but stared at him, before she left the room. Spencer felt helpless, he just wanted to help her, he never wanted that she saw him as a threat.

During the next days he didn't saw her often and he didn't make a new try to talk to her. He heard her play piano every day. On a Saturday night, Spencer couldn't sleep, he wanted to fetch a book. On the way to the lounge, he saw that Steven, one attendant from the nightshift entered one room. Spencer was curious enough to take a look whose room it was and became terrified, it was Lilith's room. He slowly opened the door. Lilith lay on her bed, her blanket lay on the floor. Steven sat on her bedside, he had pulled her shirt up, touching her breast and one of his hands found the way between her legs. Her facial expression only showed fear and pain, while tears were running down her cheeks. She was the perfect victim for him, she wouldn't talk to anyone about what happened here at night like she hadn't talked about so many other things. Her parents taught her very well not to talk about the things that they've done to her.

"Don't cry, little sweetness, you should have fun here."

The way, Steven was talking to Lilith made Spencer mad. She wasn't able to defend herself.

"What are you doing here? This is a little private arrangement between Lilith and me, you should search yourself another toy. Lilith is mine."

" I don't think that you're having any kind of arrangement with her and I can't imagine that Lilith gave you her permission to abuse her. You better leave now."

What do you think what you could do? No one would believe you, an addicted FBI agent, and Lilith? She doesn't speak at all, whom could she tell about it?"

"What you're doing here, is abusing of wards. It wouldn't take long for one of my colleagues to figure out that you've been fired for more than one time due to this kind of abuse."

Steven took his hands from Lilith who pulled down her shirt immediately and tried to hide in the outermost corner of her bed.

"We keep this here quiet or out little princess here gets hurt."

Spencer took her blanket and put it back on her bed.

"Are you okay?" he asked.

Lilith simply nodded her head.

"Is there anything I can do for you?"

Lilith wasn't reacting at all, so Spencer left her alone.


	2. Chapter 2

Here is the next chapter. I just wanna say thank you for all that very nice reviews. It motivates me to keep translating the story, although I don't have enough time, but I'll do my very best. Still don't own anything.

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On the next day Spencer called Penelope.

"Your adorable goddess, speak, you fortunate one."

"Garcia, it's me."

"Reid, honey, so nice to hear from you. How are you?"

"Good so far. Can you please...?"

"Before you ask me, yeah, Schroedinger is fine, he likes to sleep every night in my bed and I feel so honored that he leaves nearly everywhere his beige colored fur. He's very lucky."

"That's good to hear that my cat feels so comfortable at your place, but I need an information from you."

"Oh, I hope, it's a real challenge for me."

"Maybe, I need to know if an attendant lost some of his jobs before due to sexual abuse."

"Reid, I thought, you were there for therapy not for a case. Okay, give me the name."

Spencer mentioned Steven's whole name.

"You're right, baby bunny. He lost 3 jobs, always terminated without notice, after he was suspended that he had the wrong opinion of maintenance. And he falsified his references after he lost his first job."

"Could you send these informations to the clinic here?"

"Of course, but would you be so kind to tell me why?"

"I caught him last night, when he tried to abuse a patient here."

"Bastard, I'll do it immediately."

"Thank you."

"Always a pleasure to help you, although it wasn't a challenge for me."

"Is there anyone who could challenge you?"

"I don't think so, never met one."

"And I think, you won't. So, thanks for your help."

"We all miss you here, you need to come back soon, we have sugar here for the next five years, we can't consume it all without you."

"I do my best to get back to you as soon as possible, are the others there?"

"No, in San Diego, serial rapist. But I should greet you."

"When you talk to them, umh, could you...?"

"Yes, I'll tell them that you miss them too. I'll visit you the next weekend. Do you need something?"

"Oh, I'm not sure, let me think, I don't think so..., but could you bring me some of my favorite chocolate, pretzels and Asian rice cracker?"

"Maybe the whole grocery store? Okay, I'll be so kind."

"Thanks."

"Don't thank me, I will get a chance to let you suffer for that."

"I'm sure, you will. Bye, Penelope."

"Bye, Spencer."

Two hours later the director of the clinic received an email with the informations that Penelope found. Steven got fired without notice. Spencer wasn't sure if Lilith already knew that she was safe now. It was easy to find her, it was time for her daily piano play. He waited till she was finished. It seemed that she heard him, 'cause she turned round to him.

"Steven got fired today in the afternoon, you're safe now, he can't hurt you anmymore."

Lilith looked ashamed to the ground.

"It's okay, it wasn't your fault. Lilith, you were the best kind of victim, he could imagine. He improved your situation. He only could assault people who were more weak than himself. He won't hurt you again, I promise."

Lilith looked up to him, before she slowly nodded her head, than she showed on the place right next to her on the bench. Spencer didn't understand what she wanted from him. Lilith pointed a finger at him, than at the piano and back on the bench.

"You want me to play with you?"

A simple nod of her head. Spencer sat down next to her, in that moment he realized that there were no sheets of music lying on the piano. Lilith seemed to know all the plays in her head.

"I would like to play with you, but it's very long ago, and I need some sheets of music."

Lilith gave him a little smirk, before she left the room. After a few minutes she came back with a folder. She gave it to him, Spencer suggested, that she wanted him to choose a play. He often heard her play the "moonlight sonata" from Beethoven. He searched the matching sheet of music and showed it to her what made her smile.

"You must excuse, if I'll make a mistake, I didn't play for a long time."

But it seemed like she didn't care about that. She still twiddled her thumbs, so Spencer knew that he should start to play. After the first measures he felt much better about his play as he thought. When he stopped, Lilith continued the play and so a little dialog began. Both didn't talk, they only played the "moonlight sonata". Only the music was the communication between them, every time Lilith played, Spencer got the chance to watch her. She always closed her eyes, when she played, and she seemed very relaxed and peaceful. He imagined that playing piano was one of the only escapes she had from the hell she went through in her family. If he didn't know that she stopped talking, he would see her as a normal young woman, who didn't walk through her own personal hell and probably she still did. She looked quite happily, and after they finished, she smiled at him. She got up and left the room. Spencer noticed that she forgot her folder. He wanted to put back the sheet of music as he saw a handwritten notice from her:

_Thank your for helping me last night. Steven abused me every night, he had shift. I don't know why you're doing that for me, but I'm thankful. I never thought, that someone would ever help me. If you want we can play piano together, you seem to know the times I'm here. We can play or you can listen, just like you want. You can keep the folder to learn more plays, I have them all in my head._

_Lilith_


	3. Chapter 3

Again a new chapter, I will try to translate more, but the next chapter will be hard for me. It sounds freaked out, but I cry sometimes during writing my own stories. I hope you enjoy, please read and review.

Spencer was surprised, that Lilith reacted in this way. It seemed hardly possible, that she would break down all the walls, she built up to protect herself from more pain, but she opened up a little bit.

"Hey, did you scare snow white away?" Unmistakable Jasper, who came in.

"Don't call her like that, she has a name, Lilith."

"Calm down man, why you're sitting at the piano? And here are circling some rumors that Steven got fired."

"It's true, he got fired, 'cause he abused patients here."

"He always was a strange guy. What do you have there?"

Jasper glanced on Lilith's notice.

"It's private, keep your hands away."

But Jasper was too fast and grabbed the little piece of paper.

"Hey man, what happened? No therapist came so close to her ever. Could it be that has something to do with the abrogation of Steven?"

"Jasper, listen to me, it's confidential, it's none of your business."

"I'm right, I know. Steven abused Lilith, but what do you know about..., oh my god, you caught him doing that?"

Spencer kept silent and it was answer enough for Jasper.

"Such a scumbag, that guy. And you and Lilith? You listened to her?"

"More than that, we played together."

"Spencer, you're really a genius. She seems to trust you."

"It's way too early to say that."

"No one ever here reached her like that. She never wants someone to listen to her piano play, except you. Did she say anything?"

"No, it will be longing a while, she's too traumatized to speak so soon."

"Do you think, that she will ever speak again?"

"I don't know., it could be, but without knowing her psychotherapeutic history, if she has one, it's difficult to say. I think, she tries to be invisible, when she doesn't speak. But it's only speculation. And it's none of your business."

"Did you forget that you first asked me about her?"

"I'm working hard and I hope that she will trust me, it wouldn't be good if I'll talk about her so much with other people."

"Okay, get it."

During the next two weeks Spencer and Lilith met every day at the same time, mostly they played piano. It was like an own language between them, without saying a word. Spencer only spoke the most necessary things with her. Lilith didn't only play classical music, she had a fantastic sense of hearing, when she heard a song, she was able to play it on the piano after a short time. It was fascinating and Spencer could've listened to her much longer than only two hours a day.

At one afternoon Spencer played a game of chess with Jasper, which Jasper would loose. He saw that one of the attendants told Lilith something and she followed him. Nearly 15 minutes later he saw her running outside. Spencer was worried about what had happened and he got up.

"You won't suffer a defeat," he said and left a astonished Jasper.

Lilith ran into the park, it took Spencer a while to find her, she was sitting on a bench, she pulled her knees under her chin and she cried. Spencer didn't know how she would react, when he would sit down next to her but he did. Even when she cried so heavily, she didn't make a noise, nothing, only so many tears that were running down her cheeks.

"What happened?"

Lilith looked up to him, she looked so terrified and hurt, she shook her head.

"Did you hear anything from Steven? Did he threaten you?"

Lilith shook her head again.

"Something with your parents?"

Lilith didn't react, just staring to an imaginary point in front of her. Spencer knew, he was right. Lilith looked at him, thousands of questions in her face.

"I know what they did to you. You can trust me, I want to help you."

Lilith shook her head fiercely, before she got up shivering. She wanted to go, but Spencer took her right arm to adhere her.

"Don't go, you don't need to afraid of them, no matter, what it is, they can't hurt you anymore. When you don't want to talk to me about it, then write it down for me, but don't go away from me like that. Let me help you."

Lilith looked directly into his face, and she changed between fear, rage and doubt.

"They got arrested."

Spencer couldn't trust his ears, she spoke very silently, but it could only have been her. They were alone here.

"What did you say?"

She took a deep breath, like if she didn't do this for a long time and said: "They got arrested in New Mexico. Her false identity leaked out after my ..., he caused a little car accident. They bring them here, a detective was here, I should testify, that they will get their legal proceeding."

Spencer was sure that she didn't talk so much during the last years. He was also surprised that her voice sounded so gloomy.

"You should testify, it could help you to get over it."

"I can't, " she cleared her throat, it sounded like she felt pain while speaking, "and I don't want, what they did to me, was so awful. I was their daughter, they should have protected me, I can't do that."

"Lilith, I know, I never trusted people easily, but they took long enough advantage over you. They will take responsibility for what they've done to you."

"You don't understand that, Spencer. I don't want to think about it any more."

"They got many indications against them, but when you testify, you'll be much more authentic."

"I can't tell in front of other people what they did to me over all the years."

Lilith broke free from Spencer and ran away. He knew that it didn't make any sense to talk to her now. It was clear that she reacted in this way. She tried so hard to forget, to bemuse herself to forget the hell she went through, being abused by her parents and other people. And now people came to her and pulled it back to the surface. Due to this own experiences he understood the part of her that wanted to forget all this, to close the door behind her and keep it locked away for the rest of her life. But during a legal proceeding her conclusion would have a big influence to their condemnation. She needed to declare herself about what her parents and others did to her.

On that evening, Spencer sat on his bed, reading a book, when somebody knocked on his door.

"Come in."

The door got opened slowly. Spencer was very astonished, it was Lilith. He didn't see her for dinner.

"Can I come in?"

"Of course."

She stood undetermined in the room, till Spencer tapped on the bed next to him.

"Take a seat."

Lilith sat hesitantly down.

"I'm afraid so much," she said, "I don't know how I should talk about it, if I can actually do it. I never spoke about it, and no one ever wanted to hear, except during the first investigation, but the psychologists said, that I was too shocked to make a conclusion."

"Lilith, no one can force you to do that and nobody wants that."

"I don't feel anything for them, I don't even hate them anymore. They couldn't mean less to me even if they were dead, but I want that they will be convicted for that they did. I don't got anything to loose."

"So, you decided to declare? You should know, that they will tell you to testify during the legal proceeding. It will be hard 'cause the lawyers of your parents will try to discredit you and all the other witnesses for the prosecution. You have to answer very detailed about the abuse, the violations, every thing that happened. No one will be angry on you if you decide against it. But if you will testify, I offer you to come with you, to help you. I wouldn't leave you alone."

Lilith looked at Spencer.

"You would really do that for me?"

"Yes, but only if you want me to."

"I don't know, if it is like that, but I think, that I can trust you, nearly for the first time in my life."

"You can, Lilith, I promise you."

"How will it be, I mean, if I will declare...?"

"Depending on the certain case, but in this case, you will talk to a female detective. They got special skills for situations like that."

"Could you please be with me? I would feel better, if ..., I mean, you helped me with Steven. I don't know if it's possible, but I wouldn't make it on my own. I always tried to get over it by myself, but I only ran away, bemused myself, trying to forget."

As Lilith started to cry, Spencer took her in his arms and held her tight.

"Don't cry, everything will be alright."

"How can you say that? It never will. When I get out of here, everything will start again, living on the street, being a whore..."

"No, it won't be like that this time."

"You don't understand, I don't have anything, no graduate, not even from high school. The rest of life I had, I destroyed during the last years. I never went to college or to university, the only job I ever had was being a whore, if you could call this a job."

"You can still graduate, but you have to leave your old environment."

"And how?"

"When you..."

"No, forget it. I don't want to talk about it now."

"But you still want to declare...?"

"Yes, and you will stay by my side?"

Spencer nodded, he wanted to withdraw her tears away, but she shied away from him.

"I'm sorry, I didn't want to hurt you."

"You didn't know, but my father did it every time, after he or others abused me. He came up to me and took comfort.

Spencer wanted to say something, but Lilith shook her head.

"Don't say, that you're sorry, it wasn't your fault. Maybe it would be different, if I talked about it already."

"Why do you think, that you can trust me?"

"What do you mean?"

"You're here for over three months and you never said a word before today. No one ever got close to you."

"Listen, if it's too much for you to help me, then say it to me. I will make it on my own, like nearly every time in my life."

Lilith wanted to leave Spencer's room.

"And look at you now."

Lilith turned round to him, she looked so angry.

"You don't have any right to talk to me like that, to ask me a question like that. No one has the right to do that. At the age of eight I lost my whole trust in my family. My father touched me for the first time, knowing that I was an innocent child, that didn't deserve that to become the whore of the family. When my parents disappeared, I had no one to trust, no one I could go to, to rest my head. Yes, I had the wrong kind of friend, that only showed me how I can bemuse myself to forget for a few hours who I am. I ran away from myself. I didn't want to talk about it, I didn't want to remember it, never again. I thought, that I wouldn't be able to trust someone again, and then you came my way. After what you told about yourself and what happened to you, I thought, that you could be someone, that could understand me, why I became what I am now. I buried all these things so deep inside myself, 'cause I thought, that no one will ever listen to me. And as you helped me with Steven, I don't know how to say, I got a feeling, that you really wanted to help me. I..."

Lilith wanted to continue, but her voice broke. She spoke very loud, and she was still crying. She seemed so lost, standing in that room, all alone, wrapped her thin arms around herself. Spencer couldn't do anything, except to embrace her, while she broke down crying.

"I'm afraid, that it all comes back to me, hunting me every night, that it won't release me for the rest of my life."

Her voice was low, choked by tears, but Spencer understood her. As one of the nursed opened the door, wondering about the fight, he told her through hand signals that the situation was under control. He hold Lilith tight, gently rubbed over her back. He wanted to tell her, that her life was safe and that everything would be okay again, but he knew that she wouldn't believe him. She scratched her nails in his shoulders, while she sobbed.

"It's okay, let it all out."

"Why you're doing this?"

"You can't continue like this anymore, you'll be destroying yourself."

But Lilith couldn't calm herself down. Hysterical crying thrilled her body, and Spencer could only hold her, trying to calm her. After a while, she winded down, she stopped shaking. It seemed as if everything, she hided inside herself came out. As she looked up to him, she was able to let Spencer withdraw her tears away. She closed her eyes when his hand touched her face gently.

"Are you okay?"

She nodded.

"I should go now."

"If you want to talk, I'm here."

"I know, thank you, Spencer."

When Lilith stood in the door, she turned round again.

"Is there anyone who is waiting for you, when you get out of here?"

"Except my colleagues and my male cat..."

"And that's the difference between us, someone's waiting for you, for me not."

Before Spencer could say something, Lilith left.


	4. Chapter 4

It took me 2 days to translate this chapter, I hope my grammar is comprehensible. It's still a bit difficult to me to switch from German into English. So, I hope, you enjoy reading this new chapter.

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In the morning Spencer sat with Jasper and Kele at breakfast, as Lilith came to their table.

"Can I take a seat?"

"Of course."

Jasper and Kele looked at her like she would be a ghost as they heard her speak.

"We leave you alone."

Both got up and left them alone, after Lilith sat down.

"I'm sorry that I freaked out so heavily yesterday."

"It's alright, Lilith."

"I will make my conclusion today, they'll be here in the afternoon."

"Do you still want me to stay with you?"

"Yes, it would be better."

"It's the right decision to do that."

"I hope so, I'm afraid what it will make out of me."

"Lilith, what you said yesterday, that no one's waiting for you, whenever you need a good friend, I'm there for you and not only here in the clinic."

"Don't promise something, that you won't do."

"If I couldn't, I won't promise."

"Nobody ever did that for me."

"I know, and I think, it's time to do that. I know, that it's not easy for you to trust me. I know that too well, but when you need me, I'm there."

"Thank you, but it will take some time, till I make demands on that. But it feels good to know that I'm not alone."

"Okay, no matter how much time you need."

"You spoke yesterday about your male cat."

"Yes, Schroedinger, I miss him so much."

"You named your cat Schroedinger?"

"Yes, after Erwin Schroedinger, he's the originator of the quantum physics. Did you ever hear something from Schroedinger's cat?"

"What?" Lilith looked at him with a mixture between amazement and amusement.

"It was hypothetic mind experiment from him, depending on a cat. How much do you know about quantum physics?"

"Nothing, absolutely nothing."

"Okay, the main theory in the quantum physic is, that every atomic particle is only in a concrete state, when it's observed. Schroedinger thought about a radioactive atom, which can be in two concrete states: it collapses and releases the radioactivity or it doesn't collapses, it rests. In Schroedinger's mind experiment he put a cat into a box, in which are a radioactive atom, one bottle with toxic gas and a little hammer, which deflects, when it registers some energy. So, when the atom collapses, deflects the hammer, destroys the bottle and the cat dies. If the atom stays safe, the hammer won't destroy the bottle and the cat survives. So, until someone opens the box and starts to observe the atom, nothing happens. The question is: what happens with the cat, when the box is closed?"

"I don't have any idea. But could it be, that he wants to express, that in this space of time, where the box is closed, the cat is alive and dead at the same time like this atom is destroyed and stays safe?"

"And now know we what you will study, quantum physics."

"It doesn't make any sense, it's not consequential."

"Quantum physics needn't to be consequential."

"So you named your cat after a quantum physicist?"

"Not only. In one Star Trek show there was a cat with this name."

"What does he look like? Which race is he?"

"Persian tom-cat, beige colored, very cuddly and lies too much time on my bed, he's not allowed to do that, but I can't be angry on him."

"Who's having a look on him now?"

"One of my colleagues, who donated him to me."

"This blonde one, who visits you so often?"

"Yes, Penelope, she works as a technical analyst for the FBI."

"She seems to be very prepossessing."

"She is, but no one has to be scared of her, she's very nice."

"She seems so, and she likes you very much."

"She's nearly like an older sister for me."

"As I've seen, she's acting like that too."

"You're right. Do you also want some coffee?"

"I would like to, thank you."

Spencer got two cups of coffee for them. Lilith smiled at him.

"I suggest, your cat wasn't named Schroedinger, when you got him."

"No, he was nameless, he was very small, when I got him."

"I wanted to play piano after breakfast, to divert myself a little bit. Do you come with me?"

"That's fine with me."

In the afternoon, Lilith became more and more nervous. She failed more notes. She abandoned.

"I'm sorry," she mumbled, "I'm too nervous."

"It's okay. It would be the same for me."

When somebody came to pick them up, Lilith looked very terrified.

"You don't have to testify, if you don't want."

"It's too late to resign."

As they passed two attendants, Spencer heard their commentaries.

"I don't know why they're doing it. Snow white won't speak only one word. Will she declare in silence?"

Spencer knew, that it would be no good to rebuke them, but he didn't want to take Lilith to another battlefield. When they stood in front of the room, Spencer hugged Lilith again.

"Are you really sure that you want to do this?"

"Yes, although I'm afraid."

"You're not alone, I'm with you."

"I know."

When they entered the room, a young woman got up to welcome them.

"Detective Nina McGrogan. You are Lilith Wainwright?"

"Yes, I am," returned Lilith and shook her hand.

Nina looked vexed at Spencer.

"Dr. Spencer Reid."

"Are you the therapist from Miss Wainwright?"

"No, he's with the FBI."

"Oh, I didn't know, that the FBI is involved in that case, okay, nobody told me about that."

"We're not, I'm here for private reasons. Lilith pleased me to be with her during this conversation."

"Okay, let's sit down. Shouldn't one of your therapists be here too?"

"Yes, I think, she'll come in the next few minutes."

A few minutes later Catherine joined them.

"I'm so sorry, but one meeting was longer than planned. Spencer, what are you doing here?"

"Lilith wanted me to be here."

"Oh, I remember, that she said something like that."

"And you are...?" Nina looked directly at Catherine.

"Excuse me please, Catherine Miller, I'm working as a therapist here."

Nina took all particulars from all attendees, switched on the recorder, mentioned the date and the scope of this record and looked finally to Lilith.

"Is it okay to call you by your first name?"

"Yes, no problem."

"Okay, Lilith, the best is, you tell from the early beginning, what happened. It is necessary, that you except some things. Please let me know if you need a break. Tell, how your childhood was, before your parents abused you."

At first Lilith took a deep breath, before she started to travel back in her past.

"You can say, till I became eight years, I had a perfect childhood, grown up very protected, my parents always supported me. I would've been able to have a happy and normal life. Everything was okay, riding lessons, holidays, piano lessons. It all started more than a half year after my eighth birthday. It didn't seem strange to me, 'cause my father wiped me after taking a bath and palmed me, when I was sad. The real beginning as I remember now was, when he started to masturbate in front of me, before he read out a story for me. After while where it went that way, he suggested that we should play a game. I should settle him and in reward he read out."

Liliths voice turned down. Absentminded she lightened up a cigarette, which started to die down in her hand.

"I told him, that I didn't want to do it, but he told me, that it was normal between fathers and their daughters. I don't know how should I say, but it sounded for me like that, that it was really normal. I was a child, how should I know, that it was wrong? I don't know how long we stayed in this phase, but then he began to touch me, he touched me between my legs, but he didn't...," Lilith stumbled again, she averted her eyes and played nervously with her lighter, "he didn't penetrate me, not yet. My mother knew what was going on, sometimes she stood in the doorway. He always told me, that... he... that he loves me so much."

When Lilith looked up, Spencer saw tears in her eyes, she swallowed several times.

"Years passed, always the same, at daytime my loving parents who did everything for their daughter, but at night..., I think, during that time they had another child in their circle that they could abuse."

"Do you need a break?" asked Catherine, but Lilith didn't notice her.

"It went much worse, when I got my menstruation at the age of twelve. They forced me to..., that I..., they forced me to watch them while they had sex."

Lilith couldn't look anyone in the eyes, she tried several times to avoid herself to sob.

"At one night, my father came into my room, he wanted to..., he brought some videos, hardcore porn videos. He showed me that videos, it was so awful, he masturbated in front of me and then he forced me to... umh, he..., he wanted me to give him a blow job. I cried so much, I didn't want to do it, but he said to me, that he has the right to do that, 'cause he is my father. In that night he raped me for the first time."

Liliths voice was choked by tears and less more than a hardly audible whisper. She scratched her fingernails so hardly in the palm of her hand, that she bleeded.

"She needs a break, it's too much for her."

"Lilith, let's take a break for a few minutes."

"No," she shook her head fiercely, "he had..."

Catherine wanted to controvert, but Spencer held her back. It was too important for Lilith to talk about all that. It wouldn't make any sense to stop her now. For months they tried to reach her that she would start talking, and now they wanted to make her shut up.

"Lilith, could you please repeat your last sentences, your voice was too low."

Before she continued, Spencer gave her a handkerchief, so she could blow her nose.

"He forced me to give him a blow job and after that he raped me for the first time."

"How did it happen?"

"Must I really talk about that? It was so..."

"I can understand, that how hard this is for you, but we need to know everything what happened."

Lilith took again a deep breath, she turned so pale and her gaze was empty.

"He undressed me, I mean, my nightgown, he kissed me, can you imagine that? A father, ... that gives his twelve year old daughter a French kiss? After he pulled down my panty, he..., I ..., he penetrated me with one finger, it hurt so much, how could he do this to me? I was his little girl, and it were the hardest pains I ever felt before."

Lilith tried to lighten up a new cigarette, but she failed, 'cause her hands were shaking too much.

"It's okay, take all the time you need."

"I started to cry, he stroked very tenderly over my face and he told me, that I shouldn't be afraid, that all would happen for my own good. And then..., he ..., he held my hands over my head and pressed them onto the bed, that I couldn't defend myself, before he, oh good, before he penetrated me. It was so awful, he kissed me all the time, that... I couldn't scream, and he hurt me so much."

Lilith buried her head in her arms, that lay on the table, a few minutes long her crying was the only sound in the room. Spencer sat near to her and rubbed gently over her back to calm her a bit down.

"We should take a break."

"Lilith, we can stop every time, if it's too much for you."

But she didn't react, she was caught in that horror, that she had to face as a child. Catherine left the room for a moment, when she came back, she sat next to Lilith. She wanted to give her sedative.

"Catherine, you can't do that. Lilith can't make a conclusion, after you sedated her." Spencer took Catherine aside.

"She's in a bad shape, it can have terrible effects."

"She speaks, and I'm sure that it will help much more to know that her parents are in prison for what they've done instead of sedating her now. She can get it later if she wants to, but not now. When you sedate her, she needs to go through this for a second time, and it could be worse for her. I don't want to hurt her, but when she finishes this today, the next time, she needs to testify will be in court."

"I want to go on and bring this to an end," Lilith whispered, she lifted her head.

"Are you sure?" asked Spencer.

The move of her head was a mixture between nodding and shaking.

"Okay, if you want to continue."

"I think so."

"Did your father rape you for only one time during that night?"

"In that night only one time, but it was enough. Do you want to know, what he said? He said, due to the fact that he is my father, he has the right to do such things with me and that no one can better deflower me than him. And I believed him. I thought, he is my father, he would never lie to me. Over one and a half year, he raped me, sometimes quite daily, sometimes only for one time a week. At one point my mother joined us, she filmed us or I should satisfy her. I knew that I wasn't normal what they did with me, but I never talked about it with someone, I was too ashamed."

The last sentences came so fast from her, it seemed like she wanted to let go of all that shame and disgust.

"Lilith, we know from 26 persons at least, who abused you. They paid money to your parents, when did this start?"

Lilith stroked an imaginary strand of hair out of her forehead, before she slowly shook her head.

"I was fourteen, when it started. My mom did my make up and I should put on very expensive lingeries that she bought for me. She said that this evening and night would be very special for me. And then all these strangers came to our house. At first I only had to watch how my parents had sex with them, till one of these guys began to touch me. My mother was there, when he raped me."

Lilith interrupted herself again, her facial expression only showed shame, disgust and fear.

"One gynecologist, who was a regular guest, gave me the anti baby pill, that I couldn't conceive."

"Lilith, were your parents always with you, when you were forced to sexual actions?"

"Most of the time, I watched them, how they cashed the money for me, making movies, dirty little movies about strangers having sex with their daughter."

Lilith started to cry again very heavily. She look desperately to Spencer, Catherine and Nina, as if they could take the rest of her conclusion for her.

"Every time, when such a party... was over, my mom removed my make up, ran me a bath and she paid attention to me. Like she wanted to say sorry for what she did to me, that she destroyed myself. She is..., was my mother, she had to protected me. When I was in bed, came my father to me, he comforted me. On the next day they went with me for shopping to buy me all the things that I wanted, like they tried to atone what happened. I retired more and more, I felt so dirty, they treated me like a good for sale, and I felt like that. I was a teenager, it should have been their abandonment to support me, to show me a way how I could become a normal adult, but they killed everything inside of me except pain and fear."

"Before your parents disappeared, informed one of your teachers the local authorities, after she found out, that you were mistreated. What had happened?"

"I please you, you have in your files, I can't tell you that, it was too painful for me..."

"Lilith, if you want to talk about this with me in confidence, it's okay."

"No, as her therapist I need to be here."

"It's really important, that you declare what happened to you. I can imagine, how hard it is for you, but..."

"No, you can't, no one can, so stop saying, that you understand me," Lilith spit out her frustration and anger."

"Lilith, you're the only witness we have. We suggest, that you weren't the only one who has been abused by that circle. When you have the courage to testify what they've done, maybe other victims will follow."

Lilith wiped her tears away.

"There was only one rule, the suitors weren't allowed to hit or mistreat me, but..., there was one guy, he only named himself Bob, I don't think, that it was his real name."

Spencer was worried to see how Lilith tried to keep control over the pain and being helpless at that time. Her voice was low, quite a fizzling as she found her enough strength to continue.

"It was the last little orgy they had before they disappeared. He paid much money to be alone with me, he was a very perverted bastard, sometimes it seemed that he only wanted to talk to me and then he raped me in a very brutal way, hitting me so well that nobody saw it as marks of being mistreated. I learned to fear him. Nothing, what happened on the streets to me was so awful like the things in that night. I mean, I was only 15, I never kissed a boy, didn't have a boyfriend. How should I? I was ashamed of myself and I was afraid, what he could want from me. I've seen in one and a half year so many sexual perversions, much more than many people would see in their whole life. He abused me several times, which was nearly usual for me, but then..., he wanted anal intercourse. I pleased him not to do that. I cried, I begged him to let me go out of that room, but he freaked out. He stubbed out cigarettes on me, he hit me with his belt, in my face, all over my body. And he raped me, anal, I thought, it would rip me up. I screamed for help, but no one came to stop him. I don't know, maybe my parents were afraid, that he could want his money back or that he would tell that I wasn't willing. Since a few years my home was the worst prison I could think of, although it should the safest place on earth for a child."

Lilith seemed like she came to the point of no return. She was captured in that memory. Spencer wanted to hug her, hold her tight, trying to comfort her, but he felt like he couldn't reach her. She sat not a half meter away, but it was like she would be so far away, out of everyone's reach.

"The next day, I couldn't even walk, but I went to school. My teacher, she had a suspicion that something was wrong with me, and as I came so obviously mistreated to school was for her a cry for help. She tried to call my parents at home, then my father in the office and at least the local authorities. But when they came to our home, they were gone. The national assistance took care over me, you should think that things worked out better for me, but the opposite happened."

She sounded so cynical.

"I'm sorry, that I have to ask you more questions, but how did it go on?"

"You should know the best from your daily work, don't you? I came to a foster family and I was forced to go to a psychologist. At this time I spoke less, every word that I said, hurt me physical."

And Lilith seemed that it was the same for her now, that every word cut deep wounds into her flesh.

"In every session I went through all this violence again and again and again, and the foster family wasn't much better. They had a boy, two years older than me, his parents were drug addicts and died due to an overdose and he wanted to take the same road to hell. He gave me my first drugs, at first for free but then he wanted to get paid."

Lilith look at an imaginary point on the wall, before she continued.

"He didn't want money, it was one more move on the streets. I didn't defense myself when he wanted me. I tried to switch my thoughts off, when he had sex with me, I only thought about the drugs I would get. I didn't feel anything. And then my life went the very classical way: I didn't go to school, I became addicted, didn't finish high school, left the foster family behind and ended up on the streets. The rest till today you'll find in my records, I got arrested a few times due to prostituting."

It was silent in that room, till Catherine was able to say something.

"I thank you, Lilith, it was very courageous from you that you told us all that. You helped us a lot."

"Can I go now? I need to get out, I need some fresh air."

"Don't you think it would be better if you rest?"

"No, I need some fresh air."

Lilith stood up and left the room.


	5. Chapter 5

Hope, all of you had a nice Christmas! It's not so much, what I translated, but I didn't have the time. Too much food around me that wanted to be eaten!!! I hope you enjoy and I'm a bit mad at reviews!

After Lilith left the room, Spencer looked at Nina.

"Is it necessary that she declares again in court?"

"We'll try everything to avoid that, that this record will be accepted as her conclusion. But if she needs to declare again, it's the most important thing, that Lilith stays clean. The lawyers of her parents will try everything to discredit her, to make the jury believe, that she's still a junkie who lies for a bit of money."

"Then you can forget her legal action," said Catherine.

Spencer and Nina looked stunned at her.

"You can't mean that serious. It's abandonment to strengthen her and to help her, that she can go out here and have a normal life."

"Spencer, the drug issue is one of the smallest problems that Lilith has. She has much more a psychological issue and to fix that, it's not our business here."

"But you could be engaged enough to show her some possibilities where she can get help."

"As I said, not our business."

"Maybe you're wrong here."

Spencer stood up and left the room to search Lilith. He didn't want to leave her alone now. He was quite sure where she was, she had a favorite place in the park, a bench surrounded by a cherry blossom tree. He was right, she sat there, although she crouched more than she sat, she was still crying. Spencer took a seat, but he let some space between them, after a few minutes Lilith looked at him

"Do you think, that it is my fault?"

"Why should it be?"

"I don't know, maybe I wasn't good enough as their daughter, so they..."

"Lilith, that's rubbish. It isn't your fault at all. Only they are responsible for what they've done to you."

"Am I a bad person due to all the things I've done?"

"No, you're not, you've shown so much strength today."

Lilith bit on her lower lip, she gazed disbelieving at Spencer. He wished, that her conclusion

had taken some parts of her pain away, but her look showed something different.

"It's all coming back to me, like it happened only yesterday. It hurts me again."

She seemed lost like a little girl.

"It was wrong to force you to make this conclusion."

"No, it was my own decision to do that."

She looked so small and helpless. Spencer had seen so many victims of violence, how they kept silent for years and finally their conclusion didn't make them feel better, 'cause they never lost the fear, that others would point their fingers at them, making them feel guilty. Lilith wasn't different in that point. She buried all her memories of pain deep inside of her and kept them there for many years and now it was pulled back so fast in her life. She only had two possibilities, learn to live with it and get over it or that she would break down under all her pain.

"Help me please, I want to stop it, that it won't hurt me anymore, ripping me up inside. Don't leave me alone."

Spencer could only hug her. She got lost in his hug, while she cried. It seemed like her trembling wouldn't stop. Spencer held her, mumbling comforting words in her ear while he rubbed her back carefully. He didn't know how long they sat there, but it felt like a little eternity.

"I don't want to go back on the streets," she whispered, "I don't want to end up like this anymore."

"You won't, I promise you."

"How...?"

"I'll help you."

"Why do you do that?"

"Because you deserve a second chance."

"But how should I do? I have nothing to start with..."

"When you want, you can still graduate, I'll help you whenever you need me."

"I can't believe, that you're doing all that for me."

"As I told you, you deserve a second chance. There must be something, you always wanted to do."

Lilith looked in the distance, before she took a look on Spencer.

"I wanted to become a dancer or study the history of the medieval times."

"Very different wishes."

"That's what I wanted."

"But not a danseuse?"

"God beware no, contemporary or jazz dance, but it's too late for me."

"But it's not too late to study history of the medieval times."

"Do you think?"

"Lilith, you're twenty years old, not thirty-five years old, and even in that age it shouldn't be a problem."

"I'm afraid, that I won't make it."

"You will, I'm sure about that. You have to believe, that you will make it."

"I never had something or someone to believe in and least of all myself."

"I believe in you."

Lilith smirked a little bit at Spencer.

"You look much more beautiful, when you smile."

"It's too long ago that somebody said that to me and meant it serious."

Lilith kept silent after that for a moment.

"Since I'm here, I feel that you're the first one, who really helps me."

Spencer thought of what Catherine said before, that quite no one would be able to help her. He would never tell Lilith that, she would break down if she'd heard something like that. She needed to believe, that she could live a normal life again, if there was something like that for her. He wasn't sure if she knew that she made a big step for herself today, but that she had to walk a long way to get her life again. Her parents and others had destroyed her so much, and Spencer didn't know if or how much of her innocence was still there. She seemed like a little child, lost in a body, that wasn't hers. As she lifted her head, Spencer realized that he still hold Lilith in his arms, and she seemed like she forgot even that he held her.

"Did I say something wrong?" she asked.

"What? Oh, excuse me, I was a bit absent minded."

"If I said something wrong?"

"No, you didn't. It's not usual for me, that..., it's difficult to explain for me. Normally it's my job to help others, but during the last weeks and months, I didn't help someone."

"But no one's angry on you anymore. I suggest, you're speaking about your colleagues."

"They're much more than that, they're friend quite like a family for me, and that's why I'm so sorry. When I came here, I didn't want them to visit me. I didn't want to see me like that, I thought, that they must hate me for what I've done, that I left them alone."

"But they came back, I saw them here for several times. You must be very important for them."

"We see so many awful things during our cases, we need to there for each other, it would be too hard to face all that, when we wouldn't be friends. It would have been better, if I talked to them about what happened that they would have been able to help me earlier, but I chose the other way and so I got here."

"We both chose the wrong way."

"The main problem was something different. I couldn't take it anymore how they were looking at me. Every gaze of them told me how sorry they were that they couldn't get me earlier out of that cabin with Tobias, that they didn't want that I got so hurt. I just wanted to be their friend and colleague again, not the wounded deer on the meadow. I don't know if things would have gone another way, when they treated me in a different way, maybe I behaved as I should."

Lilith was sensitive enough to hear the grievousness in Spencer's voice.

"Will you go back to your team, when you...?"

"When they let me come back, they will make several tests to see if I'm really clean, that I can still work on rough cases. It will be hard in the first weeks and months, but it's only thing that I can do. I never did something else."

"And you feel some kind of comfortable with it?"

"So strange it sounds, but yes."

"No, it doesn't sound strange, I can comprehend it."

"We should go back, it looks like it will start raining."

"You're right. Let's go back."

Lilith stood up, breaking their embrace. Spencer wasn't sure, but he saw, that Lilith stood a bit more straight than before, like she wanted to show the world more of her.

They went back. As they came into the lounge, Spencer noticed, that Jasper was reading a book about chess. Lilith said, that she wanted to change her clothes and went to her room. Spencer lingered up to Jasper and took the book.

"Jasper, even the reading about chess masterminds won't bring you closer to a victory."

"Is the genius Dr. Reid so sure about that? Want to try?"

"If you want to embarrass yourself..., sure."

"Where have you been so long? Played romantic sonatas with Lilith?"

"No, you're wrong. One detective was here and she declared..., she didn't want to do it on her own, so she pleased me to support her. And it was hard enough."

"Why did she do this? I thought, her parents disappeared..."

"They got arrested in New Mexico."

"Oh, okay, I think, you don't want to talk about that."

"You're right, the only thing I can told you, her parents should spend the rest of their life in prison. It's quite unbelievable what they did to their daughter."

"Do you think, that it helped Lilith?"

"I don't know, it can help to her get over it but it can also break her. That's why I try to help her."

"But one day the therapy here ends."

"I'm talking about the time after the therapy."

"You really want to help her, don't you?"

"During the last years I worked on rough cases involving child molestation, but never something like that, what happened to Lilith. There is a chance to help her, and it should be taken."


	6. Chapter 6

It's only a short chapter, but I just wanted to post it now!

* * *

Penelope visited Spencer at the weekend. She brought him some books and some records.

"Honey, just tell me, what's this all about?"

"I want to help to someone to graduate. Do you have the records about the residential accommodation with being attended?"

"Of course, Baby, all here. Are you kind enough to tell me who is the lucky one that gets your help?"

"Lilith."

"Is that all? Only a name? Come on, Spencer, tell me more."

"She's a patient here."

"Oh, really? I suggested, she was your first girl friend. Is she here?"

"Outside in the garden, since a few days she always goes outside to read."

"You talked about her the last times I was here. Is there something, I need to know?"

"No, absolutely not. You wouldn't ask if you know what happened to here, honestly, I don't know if we're friends."

"But you like her..."

"Not in that way as you think"

"I know what you mean. How long do you have to stay here? We all miss you so much. The rest of us will visit you here next week."

"I miss you too."

"That's fine. Emily will also come next week. Finally I persuaded her that you won't kill her."

"I didn't treat her well."

"She told us, fluffy bear, we saw and heard some things, but Spence, it's over. You got help here, and we wait for you. And you know that we all would sell our soul to the devil to get you back to us. And Hotch would make the contract with him, so that the devil won't pull a fast one on us."

Spencer laughed, it was good every time Penelope was here. He was curious, how Lilith would react on Penelope.

"Don't be day dreaming, baby bear."

"Oh, I'm sorry."

"No problem, it's alright. I took a photo of Schroedinger. He lay on his back, wanting me to fondle his belly and he look so stupid, I needed to make this photo."

Penelope handed Spencer a photograph, he smirked.

"He looks like he has a distinctive double chin."

"That's exactly what I told him. Wanna go outside?"

"Of course."

Spencer considered if he should introduce Lilith to Penelope, but he decided to do it later.

During the next weeks Spencer spent a lot of time with Lilith. He supported her, learned with her and he motivated her when she wanted to give up. She was feeling much better and she began to participate the therapy sessions and she spoke with other patients. They all were astonished, that she opened up, but they didn't know that much of her changing depended on Spencer's help. They went together for the meals, played piano every day. Lilith told him so much about her dreams, her wishes for her future and the possibility to reorganize her life. She laughed again and her face showed up more and more positive emotions. Due to this intensive contact Spencer nearly forgot the end of the therapy. Although he was happy when they told him that he could go home in 2 weeks, he was afraid to tell Lilith. He had no idea how he should tell her. He sneaked out of it for over one and a half week, he wanted to wait for the right time to tell her, but the right time never came. He only had two days left. They were in the park, lying in the grass, Lilith leaned against him to read a book, but at that moment she had her eyes closed and dozed in the sun.

"Lilith?"

"Hmmm?"

"I need to tell you something."

"What?"

"I'll be released."

"That's great, Spencer, you can go back to your friends, and Schroedinger will get mad that he sees you again. When?"

"See..., it's not so simple, I ... uhm..."

Lilith sat up and looked at Spencer.

"What's wrong? You look so sad. It's a good thing that you can go home. So tell me when."

"In two days, Thursday..."

"What?"

Lilith looked very shocked, Spencer could nearly see the thousands of questions running through her head.

"Lilith, I'm so sorry, I wanted ..."

"What did you want? Why do you tell me this so late? What kind of a goddamn play you're playing with me?"

Lilith had jumped up, tears in her eyes.

"I trusted you, I believed you, that you like me, and now you're leaving me again."

"I wanted to tell you at the right time."

"Oh, really? And the right time is now? Or did you want to leave me a little notice on a post it before you leave?"

"I was afraid how you would react. I didn't want to hurt you."

"But that's exactly what you did, Spencer. Just go, go, leave me alone like all the others did. You're a liar, not better than the rest. For how long did you know that you'll be released?"

"Nearly two weeks."

"Why did you do all that? Why did you put so much energy in me and then you can't tell me that you go? How can you leave me alone here after all...?"

"I don't want to and I..."

Spencer wanted to lay one hand on Lilith's shoulder, but she shook him off.

"Don't touch me, don't even think about that. You and this therapists here are all the same."

"No, we're not, Lilith. When I wouldn't care about you, it wouldn't be so hard for me to tell you that I go home. And when I go home, I won't forget you, I'm still there for you, when you'll be released."

"Stop lying at me. You'll forget me after you're out of that door. I heard that too often, Spencer. Too many people who told me that they would help me, but then they left me alone."

"Lilith, please come down. It isn't like that."

"It is not? You know how easy it is to hurt me and you do it so easily? You fought so much to get my trust and now you throw it away?"

"Please listen to me for a moment."

"I don't want to hear anything anymore."

"Lilith, I understand that you're hurt."

She sobbed loud.

"No, you can't. No one can. How could you hurt me so bad?"

Spencer took Lilith in his arms to soothe her, but she was too upset, she hit him and she pounded with her fists against his chest.

"Goddamn, Spencer, let me go. I told you that you shouldn't toch me."

Spencer released her suddenly like he got burnt.

"I'm really sorry, please believe me."

"I thought, I can trust you and now you're doing something so awful to me."

Lilith looked at Spencer, and her gaze hurt him. He was afraid, that her reaction would be this way. He didn't want to hurt her again. He watched her run away from him back into the building. He could understand her, in her situation it must be some kind of betrayal for her to see him leaving. In the last weeks they totally forgot, that there was a world outside and life to live after they were released. He had people to return to, but Lilith wasn't able to accept that she could go to him, when she got out of here. She was used to be alone, not being held by someone who tries to catch her before she falls. He felt guilty, because he became her main attachment figure and so he felt like he failed again.


	7. Chapter 7

Another chapter, I hope, you enjoy it. I'm still looking for an english beta. So if someone is interested, pls email me.

* * *

After over eight months Spencer's life was quite normal. In the beginning he was afraid, that his colleagues and friends would control him, but it didn't happen like that. Like him they all were really happy, that he found this way back to them. There wasn't only one day, he didn't think about Lilith, how she was and what she would do in the moment. He asked Penelope to find out, if Lilith stayed in the residential accommodation. He was relieved, that she was there. He visited her for one time. It was hard, 'cause Lilith wasn't talking to him at all. She ignored him while he tried to look in her eyes, to hear from her how she felt. Nothing changed since the day, he told her, that he would be released so soon. Lilith didn't talk to him anymore, she didn't say goodbye. Spencer didn't know that he hurt her so much. But he was also relieved, that her recent drug usage screenings were okay and that she learned a lot to graduate. Spencer gave Lilith once more his address and told her, that she could call him, when she would need him, but nothing happened at all. After some time has passed, he didn't think about her so much as he did before, but he always hoped, that she would be okay. 

After a rough case, Spencer stayed longer in the office to do some paperwork when his cellphone rang. He didn't recognize the number. He didn't want to be diverted, so he didn't answer the phone, but when he got called every fifteen minutes, he picked up. It was a hospital, asking him, if he knew a person called Lilith Wainwright. Spencer was shocked, why was Lilith in a hospital? The nurse, Spencer spoke with, told him also, that Lilith suffered a heavy loss of blood, but that she would be okay and that she mentioned his name as her contact in case of emergency. Spencer made himself a notice in which ward Lilith was, before he left the office.

While Spencer drove to the hospital, he was wondering, what happened to Lilith. She seemed okay, when he visited her, but it was before nearly six months. Did she have a car accident, did someone attack her or did she try to kill herself? He didn't know. Waiting for someone, who could give him informations about Lilith, Spencer realized, that the ward, where Lilith was taken to, was the gynecology.

"Goddamn Lilith, what happened? Why you're here?" he mumbled. Spencer was too nervous to sit down, He walked the hall up and down, till a young doctor came up to him.

"Dr. Reid?"

Spencer nodded.

"Dr. Sheila Marsterson, I attended Miss Wainwright."

"How is she? What happened to her? Can I see her?"

"You are a friend of her?"

"Umh ..., I met her a few months ago, we were friends, why you're asking me?"

"She had a miscarriage."

"A miscarriage, excuse me, I haven't seen her for more than eight months. I was surprised, when I got called, that she mentioned me as her emergency contact."

"What I can tell you, she was in a bad condition, when she arrived here. She was found in a side road, she had a heavy loss of blood, a pneumonia and she seemed..., like she wouldn't have a home. A resident called the paramedic, if she had been found a few minutes later, it would have been too late for her."

Spencer was really concerned.

"Is there some indication for drug usage?"

"We didn't find anything in her bag or in her clothes, but we're waiting for the results of the drug test. Could you tell me, if we should call someone from Miss Wainwright's family?"

"She hasn't got a family anymore."

"Oh, okay..."

"Did she say anything else?"

"No, only that we should call you, Dr. Reid."

"Can I see her?"

"She's sleeping now, but if you don't wake her up, you can go to her. Don't upset her, she needs to rest."

"I won't, I just want to see her, if she's okay."

Spencer opened slowly the door to Lilith's room. She was in a deep sleep due to the medication she got. She looked very exhausted, dark shadows under her eyes and her face never seemed so pale like it did now. Spencer sat at her bedside, watching her slowly breathing, wondering, what happened to her. He had no idea and he was worried that she could have taken drugs again. He wanted to wake her up to ask her, but Lilith looked that she needed the sleep more than anything else in the world. He decided to stay here till she would wake up, no matter how long it would take. As far she wouldn't tell him, he could think about nearly everything, that happened to her that brought her here. Did she met people from her past, was there something with the legal proceeding against her parents? But he needed to admit to himself, that he cared less about Lilith during the last months. But it should be no problem to find that out. He stroked softly over Lilith's face, before he left her room and went outside to make a phone call.

A very sleepy Penelope answered her phone.

"Garcia? It's me, Reid."

"Are you crazy? Did you forget, how late it is?"

"I know, and I'm sorry, but I need your help."

"I hope for you that it's very important, that someone would die without my help, if not, you can enjoy your last day on earth."

"It is very important. You need to find out if anything happened depending on the legal proceeding against Lilith's parents."

"Now?"

"As I said, it's very important."

"Spencer Reid, it's after midnight, and you expect me to leave my bed and...? Goddamn, why do you need it now? Couldn't you wait till tomorrow, till we're in the office?"

"No, Lilith is in a hospital, they called me, she mentioned me as her contact in emergency cases. They found her in a side road, she had a miscarriage, heavy blood loss. I don't know what happened, her doctor told me, she looked like homeless. I'm afraid, she relapsed."

"Oh my god, how is she? Is she okay?"

"She's sleeping, and she's stable now, but I've never seen her like that, so exhausted, so little..."

"I'm sorry, that I was so rude. I'll do what I can. Lucky you, that I can finally use my remote access to all databases."

"Thank you, I wish, that I could've done more for her, when I cared more than I did..."

"No, Spencer, don't blame yourself. You helped her so much, you're now with her."

"But when I told her earlier, that I'll be released, she wouldn't have been so angry on me."

"You can't know this unless you know what happened."

"Where are you?"

"Still in the hospital, I can't leave her alone now."

"Okay, I'll try to find out something, then I'll get to you as fast as I can, okay?"

"Thank you so much, I can never make good what ..."

"No need to..., just let me work now."

"Okay."

Penelope hung up and Spencer gazed into the night, he was thankful. He knew that Penelope was able to find out what he needed to know. He took a deep breath, before he went back to Lilith.

Two hours later Spencer dozed in his chair, when he heard someone open the door. He was relieved to see Penelope's head. He got up and left the room. Penelope also looked still sleepy. Next to her huge purse she had two coffee to go and a paper bag.

"I thought, you might need some coffee and donuts."

"Thanks."

"No, don't thank me, you owe me something and be sure, I'll find something to let you suffer for waking me up. Are here any comfortable seats?"

"Over there."

As they sat down, Penelope handed him a few papers.

"Well I couldn't find anything about the proceeding against Lilith's parents. I think, it's weird to call these scumbags her parents. But what I found out, Lilith had to leave the residential accommodation also one of the carers. They didn't find indication of drug using, but they found out, that Lilith was pregnant in the ninth week. After she left, she continued visiting the evening school. But I found no records where she stayed at this time. Do you know, who's the father of her baby?"

"No, are there any distinctive features, that Lilith relapsed?"

"No, not during her stay in the residential accommodation, do you think, that she...?"

"I don't know, the only thing I know is, that I didn't see her and didn't speak to her for a couple of months, and now she's lying here in the hospital and I think, that it's my fault. I thought, I could help her..."

"Ssssshhhh, don't blame yourself. How should you know? Okay, it wasn't right to tell her so late that you go home, but you visited her in the residential accommodation, she didn't speak to you. You didn't do something wrong, and you're here now."

"I know, I can't leave her alone again."

"Do you think, that Lilith will tell you, why it came this way?"

"When she doesn't want to, why did she call me?"

"I don't know, I think, you know her better than I do. You look tired, fluffy bear."

"I didn't get much sleep during the last days, and you know, the others like to give me their paperwork."

"I know, and I would do the same. Spence, go home, sleep for a few hours and then come back."

"No, I want to be here, when Lilith awakes."

"Okay, you won't come to work today?"

"I'll call Hotch, that I won't be there. I just only want to know if Lilith is okay, if she needs something."

"Are you angry on me, when I go home? I'm really tired, and I don't want Derek to see me like this in a few hours."

"Why...?"

"Don't tell anybody, he invited me for dinner."

"I think, he still adores you, even if you look sleepy."

"Oh, my little genius becomes Prince Charming?"

Spencer flushed a little bit.

"You know what, Spencer? I suggest, Lilith gets healthy again when she sees you like this, looking like a sweet, little puppy. Do you call me, when you know something new?"

"Sure."

Penelope gave Spencer a hug, before she left the hospital and Spencer continued to watch over Lilith's sleep. She slept till the next day. His team members already knew, that he wouldn't join them today. In the early afternoon, Spencer came back from fetching another coffee, he had stopped counting them, Lilith woke up. She looked like a shy deer, as she saw Spencer sitting next to her, holding her hand in his. Both were insecure, how they should treat each other.

"Hi, how do you feel?" It seemed like endless moments, till Spencer was able to speak to her, to ask her this little question. But Lilith couldn't answer, she seemed ashamed , started to cry and turned away from him. Spencer took her carefully in his arms, anxious not to pull the needle out of her arm or to hurt her in another way.

"It's okay, I'm here, it's over. It's going to be okay again."

"I'm so sorry."

"No matter what happened, you don't have to be sorry, I'm not mad at you. I was so worried, when I got called."

Spencer wanted to ask her so many things, but he knew that he had to treat her carefully. He waited, till Lilith finished crying. She still looked tired and her eyes were red from crying.

"I thought, we would meet again under different circumstances," a slightly try to joke to make her feel a bit more comfortable.

"Most of the time I hoped, I would never need you again by my side."

Each of her words felt like a hit in his face, she was still hurt, that he left her so suddenly.

"Why did you mention my name?"

"I don't know, probably you're the only one who ever cared. No one forced you to come here."

"I was worried."

"Oh..., like you were worried all the last months...?"

"Lilith, I visited you, you weren't talking to me at all, you didn't even give me a look. I thought, you didn't want me to visit you again."

"You can go if you want to..."

"No, I won't go, I stayed the whole night here..."

"I know why you're here, you want to know if all your effort was worthless. Are you disappointed, Spencer? Disappointed to see me like this? Asking yourself, how I got pregnant and from whom?"

"I'm not disappointed, I'm worried, Lilith. I hoped, that you would be fine, and then I get a call, that you're lying in a hospital, that you had a miscarriage..."

"Stop it, Spencer. I know, what you want to say, you thought, that I relapsed, that I'm back on the streets again, taking drugs and being a whore."

Her voice was very low due to her pneumonia.

"Lilith, you shouldn't speak so much, you need to rest."

"I thought you came here to get some answers..."

"Lilith, please..., it won't help anybody, when you're upset. I'm here as a friend."

"Why didn't you visit me?"

"What would you have done in my place? You made me feel like I would be the last person on this planet you wanted to see again. But I thought of you, hoping, that you'd be okay."

"But I'm not, Spencer."


	8. Chapter 8

I'm so sorry, that I let you wait, but I wasn't sure about this chapter, I planned a longer one, but I'm not sure about the next thing to happen or if I will change the part that I've already written. Still I hope you enjoy!

Disclaimer: I don't own anything, except Lilith, she's mine!

* * *

It hurt Spencer so much to see Lilith like this. She was in a bad shape, he knew that something terrible happened to her.

"Just tell me, what's wrong."

"It's all my fault In the beginning it was all okay, I lived in this residential accommodation, I found some new friends, I liked the evening school, but then..., we had this excursion over a complete weekend. The rules in this group were very strict, I wasn't there long enough to stay away so long. But I wanted to make this excursion, 'cause it was about a really important subject of history lesson. I was desperate, and then of our carers offered me to let me go for this weekend, when I ..."

_No, don't let her have done this, Spencer thought, that she got hooked up with someone who improved and hurt her again._

"I should be nice to him, I was so..., I mean .., I thought, it would be for only one time, and then it would be over. But it wasn't over, it was the beginning, he extorted me, if I wouldn't sleep with him regularly, he would tell, that he caught me buying drugs and that I offered him sex to save myself that he wouldn't snitch on me. I didn't know what to do, so I had sex with him again and again."

"Why didn't you say something?"

"I was too ashamed. And who would believe me? No one believes people like me, you should know this."

"Was this carer the father of your child?"

"Yes, I didn't notice, that I was pregnant, when they did a test, the found it out. They forced me to tell them who the father is. I told them the truth, everything what happened. He denied it, we both needed to leave. That was before 2 weeks."

_Such a scumbag! He knew here sore point and pushed her back in some part of her old life. Why didn't she tell me? I would have fetched her away? Why didn't I visit her more often?_

"Where have you been the last two weeks?"

"I could often stay with people from the evening school and when not, I was walking around, sitting in subway stations or bars where I slept a bit."

"And your miscarriage?"

"I didn't want it at all, I don't got anything, I could offer to a child and for god's sake I didn't want a child from this bastard. I felt sick all day, sometimes I couldn't eat all day, 'cause the nausea was too bad and I dad a very bad bellyache. It was like someone tried to pull my guts out of me. And then all the loss of sleep, I felt worse more and more, when I could get some sleep, it got so hard for me to get up. And yesterday, I spent the whole night on the streets, I felt like I had a flew, I got very wet in the rain and I had a horrible headache. I just wanted to be somewhere where it's warm, where I could get some hours to sleep, but then I got these convulsions, I couldn't walk anymore. I sat down on a stairway, 'cause I thought, it would get better if I rest for a few moments, but I started bleeding. I wanted to call for help, but I couldn't, the pains were too heavy. I must have passed out, the next thing, I can remember, that I'm here in the hospital and that somebody asked me if they should call someone."

Lilith was crying again, and one of her hands laid over her face like she wanted to hide from herself and the world.

"Why didn't you say anything, when you carer offered you this deal? Lilith, all this here ..., you don't need to be here. I can't understand, how you could react like this, after all that happened to you."

Lilith looked scared, he didn't expect, that Spencer could get so angry. And he was very upset, it was so unnecessary at all that Lilith laid in the hospital.

"You knew that I would have been there for you. I visited you, even after you didn't spoke only one word with me in the therapy. I left you my address, I reassured you, that I'm still there for you, whenever you need me. Why are you so bullheaded? I would have fetched you away there, taking care that this carer gets fired. But what you're doing? You sell yourself for some ridiculous privileges."

"Do you really want to know why I didn't say anything? Why I didn't call you, Spencer? 'Cause I hated you, 'cause you made me feel like I'm worthless to you when you told me so late that you'd be released. I wanted to make it without you, I didn't want anything from you, not a friendly word or some kind of help. I still hate you for making me feel so insignificant. And now you wanna tell me, that my behavior was wrong? Who are you to judge over me? I thought, it would be right to have you here by my side, but I was wrong. I wanted you here to help me, not that you judge me. Go, Spencer, leave and don't think about coming back. As I told you before, you're not better than me or some of this therapists who didn't care for me at all. You think, you can make me feel guilty for what had happened?When you would be a real friend, you wouldn't stand here, pointing the finger at me and tell me that I went wrong."

Lilith yelled at Spencer, she was very upset and she got heard on the hall. Her doctor entered the room.

"Lilith, please come down. You shouldn't get so upset."

She tried to inject her a sedative, but Lilith pushed her away and pulled the needle violently out of her arm, causing an intense bleeding. During only some seconds two more doctors entered the room. Spencer got pushed out of her room, he seemed deranged. He couldn't believe what he had done. He attacked Lilith, when she needed him to care for her. He started to cry, running down his cheeks. He dropped his head, he wanted to go to her immediately to embrace and tell her, that he was sorry, that he didn't want to be so rude to her. He wanted to help her, trying his best to make her forget that she was mistreated and got disappointed again. He was so sorry, he hoped, that he could get back to her again as soon as possible. After quite ten minutes the doctors left Lilith's room. Sheila came up to Spencer.

"How is Lilith?"

"Did you forget what I told you, that you shouldn't upset her? Did you go insane? Her blood pressure got too high, we could stop the bleeding where she pulled the needle, but we needed to give her a highly dosed sedative."

"Can I see her? I won't upset her again."

"Do you really think, that I let you go in there? Miss Wainwright needs to rest, and obviously she didn't get it when you're with her. Just leave, don't come back. If you'll come back, I'll let you throw out. Did you understand me?"

Spencer nodded and slunk off with his tail between his legs. He walked outside, he thought about calling Penelope, but after speed dialing her number, he hung up. He didn't know what he should say, that he behaved as an idiot, that he hurt Lilith so much.

_Until you crash_

_Until you burn_

_Until you lie_

_Until you learn_

_Until you see_

_Until you believe_

_Until you fight_

_Until you fall_

_Until the end of everything at all_

_Until you die_

_Until you're alive_

_Don't save me, don't save me, cause I don't care_

_Don't save me, don't save me, cause_

_I don't care_

_Until you give_

_Until you've used_

_Until you've lost_

_Until you lose_

_Until you see, how could you believe?_

_Until you've lived a thousand times_

_Until you've seen the other side_

_This is my chance, this is my chance_

_Don't save me, don't save me, cause I don't care_

_Don't save me, don't save me, cause_

_I don't care_

_Until the truth becomes a lie_

_Until you change, until you deny_

_Until you believe_

_This is my chance, this is my chance_

_I'll take it now because I can_

_This is my chance, I want it now_

_Don't save me, don't save me, cause I don't care_

_Don't save me, don't save me, cause_

_I don't care_

_Save me, save me, save me_

_Save me, save me, save me_

_I don't care_

_(savior, 30 seconds to mars)_


	9. Chapter 9

The story continues, a little bit disappointed about the little amount of reviews, I hope, I can get more! Hope, you still enjoy the story! And except of Lilith, nothing's mine!

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After Spencer had left the hospital, he milled around. Thousands of thoughts were running through his head, feelings of guilt, anxiety and incomprehension why Lilith didn't tell him earlier about her situation. He tried to run away from all this thoughts in his head. 

_I didn't want to hurt Lilith. It's my fault, that she's in this bad condition now. I didn't want to cause her much more sorrow. She might hate me, and she's right to do that. She looked so vulnerable, she needed my help and I'm yelling at her. After my mom she's the second one I abandoned. Lilith trusted me and she's right, I gave it away._

Spencer wasn't sure how long it took, till he apprehended his environment, but he noticed, that Hotch wasn't living far away. He didn't know exactly, what forced him to take his way, but he walked on, till he stood in front of his house and rang the doorbell. It took a few moments, till Hotch opened up. It was always surprising for Spencer to see him not in a suit. But Hotch was astonished too to see his youngest team member on this doorstep.

"Reid, what you're doing here?"

"Umh..., I was ..., I mean..."

"Is something wrong?"

"Can we talk?"

"Of course, come in."

"I didn't want to disturb you, I mean, it's late and..."

"Before you ask, I'm alone here."

Spencer looked like a pet which doesn't know if it did something wrong.

"Haley isn't here...?"

"She drove to her sister for a few days, she took Jack with her."

Something about his voice seemed strange to Spencer, but he decided not to ask further questions.

"I don't know for sure why I'm here..."

"You're here, 'cause something bothers you. How's Lilith?"

Spencer was astonished, but than he realized, that he called Hotch, why he wouldn't come to work, that Lilith was in the hospital.

"Not so well, but it's all my fault."

"Why do you think, that it's your fault? What happened?"

Spencer tried to explain, but he burst in tears. Hotch embraced him, not knowing what happened, but it hurt him every time, he saw Spencer crying. He held him the that way, when they found him on that cemetery, right on time but also too late and when he laid in the hospital after his overdose, finally realizing that he needed help. Hotch knew too well, that Spencer always tried to make up the most thing with himself, but he looked so worried with his puppy dog eyes, which were so full of emotions that he couldn't handle at the moment. After a few minutes Spencer was able to tell what happened in the hospital, how he behaved against Lilith, how guilty he felt and that he couldn't explain to himself, why he became so angry.

"I don't understand, how I could behave like that. I just wanted to help her."

"Primarily you weren't angry on her, but rather on yourself."

"Myself? How do you mean that?"

"All that you told me, that you still feel guilty about the admittance of your mother to a sanatorium, that you left J.J. alone, when you found out, that Tobias war our unsub and now Lilith. These are all things, you're feeling guilty for. And you must admit, that you didn't think much about Lilith during the last weeks. But she called your name in the hospital, that she wants to see you, suddenly she was present in your life again and with her all your sense of guilt. And you were angry on yourself, 'cause you didn't have the courage to tell her earlier about being released, that you resigned after you visited her and she wasn't talking to you at all. You feel guilty, 'cause you think, you didn't care enough for her like you did before with your mother."

"I left her alone, my mom and Lilith, and I shouldn't have left J.J. alone out there. We should have waited for you after finding out, that..."

"Spencer, stop feeling responsible for everything what's happening around you. It was the right decision to admit your mother to a hospital, you don't know how long it would have been possible to keep her at home. During the fisher king case, when you brought her to Quantico, as soon as someone was listening to her, she talked about you, she asked, how you are, if we care for you. She remembers so many things from your childhood, and she isn't mad at you at all. She's very proud of you, mothers don't tell that their children to avoid that they get big-headed. And J.J., do you think, that she suspended you that you brought her into a dangerous situation to distinguish yourself? When she would have felt, that she couldn't handle the situation, she would have told you."

"I could apologize to my mom and J.J. but Lilith..."

"You still can..."

"But how? I'm not allowed to visit her any more. Her doctor threw me you. Hotch, I can't care for her any longer. Lilith, she..., she looked so vulnerable, how she laid there, so weak. I got called, 'cause she wanted me to come to her, to help her. She wanted me to steady her, not that I yell at her and point the finger at her. I hurt her so much."

Hotch saw the despair in Spencer's eyes.

"Just let her rest for a few days and then I think, it won't be a problem to visit her. What do you think, what happens to her, when she'll be released?"

"The same that's always happening to her. She'll be released, she has no one where she can stay, her way on the streets is preassigned. And I won't entrust her to a care that derogates her again."

"I understand your point, Lilith will try to resist to join another residential accommodation. Easy to understand after what happened to her."

"But I can't care for her, I don't know when I'm at home and for how long, I can't..."

"It should be no problem to release you from work for a few weeks. Lilith knows you, she won't be so suspicious against you."

"I'm not sure, she seemed like she prefers to stay in hell than with me for only a second in one room."

"Do you still want to help her?"

"Of course, I will. I don't want her to suffer much more than she did."

"Then go to her, tell her, that you're sorry and offer her, that you'll care for her, that she can stay with you. Maybe she needs some time, until she'll trust you again, but I think, she knows, that she needs help."

Spencer got up.

"I should go now, thanks that..."

"No problem. But Spencer, before you leave, one question."

"Which one?"

"What do you feel for Lilith?"

Spencer looked puzzled at Hotch.

"I don't understand."

"What do you feels for her?"

"I don't know, I like, and I want to help her. I don't know why, but there's something special about her."

"Is there more than only friendship?"

"I don't know, I don't even know if she could ever feel more than friendship for someone."

"Due to the things that happened to her?"

"Yes, I mean, you didn't hear what she told us on that day, but it was the most awful thing, I heard for a long time."

"Would you let her stay at your place?"

"Yes, and I would take care, that she makes a therapy, if she wants to."

"So hard it may sound, she doesn't have many possibilities, she goes back into a clinic, although she won't get a hospitalization, 'cause she didn't relapse. Or she stays in a residential accommodation, but she won't be willing to go there after her last experience. And the last possibility is, that someone takes care of her, like you would."

"At the moment I can only wait, till she feels better. Thanks, that you listened to me, I mean..."

"Spencer, it's okay. Anytime you need someone to talk to, come over."

"I will."

Meanwhile Lilith laid in her room. It was dark. She didn't understand, what happened a few hours ago. She was despaired, she hoped, that Spencer would understand her, but he attacked her. She was afraid, what would happen, when she'd be released. It would continue like it always had in her life, she would go back on the streets and all would start again: drug usage, prostitution, getting arrested, maybe an overdose. She felt so helpless. She was crying again, but she couldn't wipe her tears away, 'cause they fixed her arms, that she wouldn't hurt herself again. She didn't feel herself any more, if someone would off her the death, she would take it. She wished back the day, Spencer told her, that he'd be released. She wished, that she would react in another way, sad, that she would cry, but that she'd be able to let him embrace her and make her believe, that he's still there for her. But nothing happened. Lilith laid still in the dark and nearly choked on her fear before her future. There was only a slightly gratitude when she closed her eyes and accepted the darkness in her life, which followed her into her sleep.

_Try and stop me_

_Try and save me_

_I want to fall..._

_Try and cross me_

_Take me, tease me_

_I want to fall_

_I want to fall_

_I want to fall..._

_I want to fall_

_I want to fall_

_I want to fall... _

_(battle of one, 30 seconds to mars)_


	10. Chapter 10

I haven't forgotten my story! I'm sorry that I left you waiting for so long! But I was off for some time! Hope, you enjoy the new chapter!

During the next few weeks Spencer made several inquiries about Lilith's condition. She was in better shape. He thought about visiting her again to tell her that he was sorry that he didn't mean to attack her but he was too mortified. Even Hotch and Penelope, who had talked with him about it, couldn't change his mind. Spencer was very surprised, when someone from the hospital told him, that Lilith had been released. He tried to find out where she was staying, but no one seemed to know. His team members realized, that he was worried about something. He seemed abject. During a case they didn't hear his normal rambling of facts that he always spouted off. When J.J. needed some information from Penelope, she asked her about it.

"Do you know, what's wrong with Spence?"

"I think, I know."

"Is he in trouble? I noticed, that he was talking several times with Hotch."

"No, don't worry, Spencer is alright, it's about Lilith."

"Who is Lilith?"

"They knew each other from therapy. She had a very hard time with her parents who abused her as a child and sold her to strangers that came into their house."

"Oh, my god. She's a drug addict?"

"She was and didn't talk for several years, not one word. Spencer helped her when he found out that one of the attendants tried to rape her. Okay, he needed my help there, but back to her story. Lilith started to talk again when she heard that her parents were arrested. She made statement and Spencer was with her. They became friends, I mean, for me it sounds like they're friends. Spencer was too afraid to tell her that he was going to be released. He didn't hear anything from her in over 8 months and then he got a call that Lilith is in a hospital and that he's her emergency contact."

"What happened to her?"

"Lilith was in a halfway house and one of the staff members blackmailed her and forced her to have sex with him."

"Why is she in the hospital? Did she relapse or...?"

"She had a miscarriage."

"She was pregnant? Don't tell me, that the staff member was the father...?"

"He was. They found out about her pregnancy during a drug test. Lilith and the staff member had to leave the halfway house. And Spencer blamed her for not calling him when he visited her in the hospital."

"Did he visit her again?"

"No, he doesn't have the courage after he attacked her like that."

"I understand, That's why he's been so thoughtful the last few days."

"Don't tell him that you know. He doesn't want much many people to know about it."

"I won't tell."

"But you can try to cheer him up a little bit."

"I will take him some coffee."

"Okay, with that you can wake him up."

JJ got two cups of coffee and went to Spencer's desk.

"You have been staring for over 20 minutes at the same page of this file."

"What? Umh,..., I..."

"No need to worry, here's some coffee."

"Thanks, mine is ..."

"Do you want to talk?"

"About what?"

"Come on, Spence, you're confused and you're talking less than before and the wrinkles on your forehead are getting deeper and deeper."

"It would take too long to tell you."

"Okay, here's the deal. You come over tonight and I'll cook something and then you'll tell me what is bothering you so much."

"I'm not sure if that's a good idea."

"Spence, if you go on like this, the unsubs will capitulate only 'cause they will take pity on you. They'll realize that other people have bigger problems."

Spencer unwillingly smirked.

"You spend way too much time with Garcia. Okay, when should I be at your place?"

"At seven pm."

"I'll be there."

JJ turned round and went back into her office.

"Hey, Romeo, got a date tonight?"

Spencer looked irritated at Derek.

"Could you please stop trying to analyze my private life?"

"I'm just lucky for you, man, nothing more."

"Damn it, Derek, it's not a date."

"Hey, come down, no need to fuss."

During the next few weeks Spencer and J.J. spent a lot of time together. Spencer told her about Lilith and J.J had tried to explain to him that it wasn't his fault at all. On one evening they wanted to go to the movies. J.J. picked Spencer up.

"I'll be ready in a few minutes."

"Spence, it's very rare that women have to wait for a man."

"I'm sorry, but I was late getting home."

"It's okay."

Spencer took his coat and they started to leave.

"Don't forget an umbrella, it looks like it won't stop raining."

"No problem."

As Spencer grabbed his keys to leave his apartment as the doorbell rang.

"Maybe my neighbor sometimes she forgets her keys when she walks her dog."

Spencer opened the door and looked down the hallway and he was more than surprised to see a soaking Lilith. She carried two traveling bags with her.

"Lilith, umh, what are you doing here?"

"I ..., can I still stay here?"

"Yes, of course, come in."

Lilith looked like she would feel more comfortable in hell than at Spencer's place. J.J. looked more than astonished at her.

"What's going on here?"

"Sorry, I didn't know that you have a date. I think, it's better when I leave."

"No, Lilith, stay here. Lilith, this is Jennifer Jareau, one of my colleagues and a good friend. J.J., this is Lilith Wainwright. I told you about her."

"Is she going to stay here?"

"Umh..., yes, JJ, is it okay, if we reschedule our... I just need to take care ..."

"Oh, you can go. I'm just fine. I'll find everything I need..."

"No, I won't leave you alone now, Lilith."

"Spence, it's okay. I'll see you tomorrow in the office."

JJ gave him a friendly smile but behind it she was very enraged and hurt. How could Spencer brush her off for a drug addict? She had to beg Penelope to find out some things about Lilith, things that Spencer wouldn't like to hear.

Meanwhile Lilith stood in Spencer's living room. She looked as uncomfortable as she felt. Schroedinger watched this unexpected guest from a safe distance.

"Give me your coat."

Lilith took off her wet coat.

"Do you want to take a bath?"

With the look of a defiant child she shook her head.

"Lilith, I want to help you and you're here 'cause you know that. Don't be so restive. I will run you a bath, bring you a cup of tea or whatever you want and fix the guest room for you"

"Okay, I want hot milk with honey, if you..."

"Of course, just give me a few minutes."

Spencer left Lilith in the living room and went into his bathroom to run her a bath. Schroedinger became a bit curious and snuffled at her bags. After a few minutes Spencer came back.

"You can take your bath."

Lilith mumbled something which could have been "thanks".

"Do you want to take your cup of milk with you?"

"I would like to..."

Spencer handed her a cup, and she sniffed suspiciously.

"Is something wrong?"

"There is nothing in it, right?"

"What would there be...?"

"Sleeping pills, barbiturate...?"

"Do you really think I would do something so stupid?"

"I don't know, maybe..."

"Lilith, it's only a cup with hot milk and honey."

"Thanks."

"Umh, do you have a bathrobe?"

"No, ..."

"Then take mine, you'll find it behind the door."

"Okay, my pajamas are in one of my bags but all my clothes are wet could I get one of your shirts to sleep in?"

"No problem, if it's okay with you, I'll hang them up to dry."

"Oh yes, that's a good idea. Can I get the shirt now?"

"Of course, is an old university shirt okay?"

"Yes, I just want to wear it for sleeping."

"Do you need anything else?"

"No, thank you."

Lilith took her cup, walked into the bathroom and closed the door behind. Spencer wasn't surprised that she locked the door.

Lilith lay in the warm water and closed her eyes. For the first time she was able to relax again. She took some sips of her hot milk when she heard a slight meow in front of the door.

"Schroedinger, just let Lilith take her bath, you can see her later."

Lilith didn't care much that Spencer fought outside with his tomcat who was curious about the visitor. She stepped out of the tub after nearly twenty minutes. She took the shirt Spencer gave her, it was much too big for her, but it felt comfortable. She grabbed his bathrobe wondering about the color, it was purple. She didn't want to be here, but she didn't have another idea where she could go. And she remembered his promise to care for her. Lilith was still disappointed that Spencer attacked her so heavily in the hospital. She didn't want to stay here for too long.

Spencer sat on the couch with Schroedinger on his lap. He thought that Lilith looked very small and lost in his bathrobe like a little child.

"Where is the guest room?"

"Second door on the right, I put your bags..."

"Thanks."

The guest room was bigger than she thought. Lilith wasn't surprised about all the book shelves, they were all over the place. She lay on the bed wondering why Spencer had a classical double bed in his guest room. But it was much better than the couch she slept on during the last weeks. The door was only left ajar and so Schroedinger came into the room. He meowed when he sat in front of the bed.

"Hey, so you wanted to say hello Schroedinger. You're much cuter than on the photos I've seen."

Those seemed to be the right words Schroedinger jumped on the bed and Lilith started to pet him.

"You're giving your heart away too fast, you little sweetie."

Schroedinger started to purr when he lay on her lap. Lilith put herself in a comfortable position. When she stopped to fondle him behind his ears, he nudged her hand.

"It's okay, I'll comfort you."

She got sleepy when she listened to his purring and she put him next to her on the pillow.

Spencer wondered where his tomcat was. He took a look through the open door from the guest room and saw Schroedinger lying next to Lilith.

_It seems like Schroedinger has had someone new. He was lying there like he had been doing it for years. It was a strange feeling having Lilith here. Where has she been all this time? She looks so tired. I'll ask her tomorrow._


	11. Chapter 11

Next chapter, I hope, you'll remember that I'm really mad at reviews g. Just read and enjoy!

* * *

When Lilith woke up in the morning, Schroedinger wasn't by her side anymore. She looked around and realized where she was. She put the bathrobe on and left the room.

"Spencer?"

But she received no answer. He left a note in the kitchen where he had prepared the breakfast for her.

"Good morning, Schroedinger. Can you tell me where I can find a coffee cup?"

Schroedinger didn't even look at her, his food was much more interesting. After a few trials she found one. She didn't expect so much tidiness in the cabinets. She decided to learn a little bit but Schroedinger came up to her and wanted some attention. He nuzzled his head to her.

"No, go away. I want to study. We can play later."

But Lilith had to find out that Schroedinger didn't care about the word "later". He lay down on her book and looked provoking at her.

"Spencer didn't tell me that you're so bullheaded. Okay, you win."

Meanwhile in the office.

"Hey, can I come in?"

Penelope turned round.

"J.J., of course, come in. What can the goddess do for you?"

The press liaison entered the room.

"What's wrong, sweetie? You look awful. I thought you had a date with Spencer yesterday."

"I did, okay mostly I did..."

"Mostly? Sounds interesting. So, what did he do? Did he talk the whole evening about several serial killers or babbled endlessly random facts?"

"If he did then it was for another one."

"Another woman? And we still talk about Spencer?"

"Lilith appeared when we wanted to leave."

"She came to Spencer?

"Yes, she came and she stayed. He acted like she's the most important person on earth."

"Why you're so bent out of shape?"

"I can't believe that he rejects me for this drug addict. I mean, what can she offer him? She will use him 'cause she needs a place to stay."

"How can you say that? You don't know her. Don't say something like that again. She went through such a hard time. Without Spencer's help she would be still in this clinic. She wouldn't have talked and this attendant would still be abusing her. Do you think that she really wants to use Spencer in this way?" I saw her in the clinic, she was so shy and afraid. Spencer is only doing "what someone should have already done for her."

"Why do you defend her? Do you really know her?"

"I just don't understand why you talk so rude about her. You know how bad most of our cases are. You know what people can do to people like Lilith."

"Are you her mom? Spencer will see what he gets when he stays in contact with this person. J.J. spat out her last sentence.

"They're not a couple. They're only friends. Lilith isn't able to have something more than a friendship after all that she had to go through."

"Nobody knows if she is telling the truth. Maybe she lies to improve her situation."

"Are you calling Lilith a liar? I don't think that she would tell so many lies about her life to justify her addiction?"

"She wouldn't be the first drug addict who's lying to show up as a victim."

"JJ, I'm giving you good advice. It's none of your business. And if I ever catch you trying to discredit Lilith or Spencer you will have lots of trouble with me. And you should be careful that Spencer never hears you talking so rude about her. I can guarantee you that your friendship with him will be gone."

Insulted, JJ stood up and left Penelope's office.

Spencer came back in the afternoon. He found Lilith reading in the living room

"Hey, how was your day?"

She looked up from her book.

"Not so bad. Can I talk to you for a moment?"

"Of course. What's up?"

"Listen Spencer, that I'm here, it doesn't change the fact that I'm still angry and disappointed. You attacked me so hard in the hospital. I just didn't know where else I could have gone instead."

"Lilith, I feel so sorry for what I said in the hospital. I didn't mean it like I said. I was so worried after you told me what had happened to you. I didn't want to hurt you so bad."

"But you did. I thought that you would understand me not push me away. I hoped so much that you would help me."

"I freaked out, I know. But I'm really sorry. Do you think that you can forgive me and forget all that?"

"I can't. It hurt me too much. What would you do in my place? Can you imagine how I felt that day with you in front of me yelling at me?"

"But if you stay here. It will be very difficult to live separate lives here. Lilith please…"

It hurt Spencer to see the hard look on her face.

"Okay, if you're still angry at me. I won't force you to do anything. But if you need any kind of help, I'm there for you."

"I don't think that I need you."

With these words Lilith stood up and went into the guest room. Schroedinger followed her immediately as of he had received a secret sign. Lilith let him in her room to cuddle him.

The situation between them didn't change during the next weeks. Lilith talked to Spencer but only when she found it necessary. The only one who could reach her heart was Schroedinger. He spent most of his time with her. It was no problem to leave her alone when he had to work on a case. But after a while he noticed that Lilith got more and more withdrawn. He asked Penelope to check on her when he wasn't there. He knew that Lilith wouldn't agree to that. So she had to deal with Penelope when she saw her. Penelope herself had no problem checking on Lilith even though Spencer told her that she would try everything to push her away.

"Reid, Darling, don't be worried. What can she do? Kill me with one look?"

"She will try to push you away before you have said only one sentence."

"I love a challenge. I will make her purr like a little kitten."

"Okay, can you call me after visiting her?"

"I'll will and I promise I let her live."

Spencer was a bit worried if it was such a good idea but he was too afraid that Lilith could hurt herself or something worse. And Penelope had the talent to cheer up other people if Lilith would give her a chance to.

After finishing her work Penelope drove to Spencer's. She wasn't sure if he didn't get over the top. She rang the doorbell and hoped that Lilith would open up. And she did and her look told Penelope that she recognized her and wasn't happy that she was here.

"Oh, just tell Spencer that I don't need a babysitter."

"Who says that I'm your babysitter?"

"Listen, I'm not dumb. Why should you be here if Spencer didn't beg you to check up on me?"

"Just let me in at first."

Penelope pushed Lilith aside and entered the flat.

"You know that this is unlawful entry what you're doing here."

"You opened the door, remember? And why do you think that Spencer sent me here? I could be here for my own reasons."

Lilith sighed and followed Penelope who already held Schroedinger in her arms and rubbed him behind his ears.

"Okay, but don't tell me you're here because you missed the tomcat?"

"Could you please be so kind and make some coffee?"

"What? You come here without my permission and now I should make some coffee?"

"Don't panic. I can make some."

Penelope put Schroedinger in Lilith's arms and went into the kitchen. Lilith followed her with her look and shook her head. How could someone be so brazen?

After a few minutes Penelope appeared in the living room with two cups of coffee.

"So what do you want here?"

"Is everything okay with you?"

"What shouldn't be wrong with me? I'm only a bit stressed because of the interim audit."

"Is this all?"

"Yes, goddamn. What else should it be? Did I seem so unstable?"

"You don't need to scream and sit down again."

Unwillingly Lilith sat down again.

"Listen sweetness. I'm the last one who wants to hurt you here. Yes, I'm here 'cause Spencer asked me to. He's worried about you, 'cause you have withdrawn more and more. He's afraid that you could hurt yourself. I'm not here to control you. I have better things to do with my time. Spencer told me that you're still very hurt due to the things he said to you in the hospital. Lilith, I've known him much longer than you do. When he says that he feels sorry then he means it. You can believe him."

"He hurt me so much with it."

"I know and I believe that no one would react in another way. But give him a chance to be a good friend for you."

"I don't know if I can still do that."

"Oh come on, girl. Don't act so hard. Do you really think that this situation is easy for him? You came here without telling him and he didn't hesitate for a second to let you stay here. He would do every thing for you and you treat him like he isn't there."

"I'm thankful that I can stay here but…"

"What? He has apologized more than once and I know how worried he was when you laid in the hospital. After calling him, he woke me up and begged me to find out what could have been happened to you. He thought, that it was his fault. You could have gone to him at any time."

Lilith bit her lower lip.

"I was too proud."

"No, you were too bull-headed, little darling. And now don't make a face like that. Or I'll have to give you the nickname I thought about."

"Which one?"

"Grumpy girl."

"Grumpy girl? Why that?"

„'Cause you look grumpy, you act so…. Honey, if you do that much more you'll have crinkles like a crevasse on your forehead."

Lilith laughed.

"Wow, I wasn't sure if you could laugh."

"This won't make us to best friends."

"No one's talking about that. But do you think that you could act a bit more human to Spencer when he comes back? He only wants your best, Lilith."

"Why do you do that for him?"

"I have no clue, my mother calls it 'mother bear – syndrome'."

"What?"

"Don't ask me. But it seems like I am a person people like to confide in. I feel like I'm someone to lean on like an old favourite pillow on the couch. And Spencer is someone who needs to be forced to tell something about himself."

"And what should I do now?"

"Talk to him and when you need something, then ask him."

"I don't know."

"Is there something at the moment you could need help with?"

"Do you know something about algebra?"

"Unfortunately not, but you can ask Spencer. He has a doctoral level in math."

"I don't know if I can do it so easily."

"Of course you can, little sweetie. Just ask him for help. He will do it."

„I'll think about it."

Penelope spent over 2 hours with Lilith. And she opened up a little bit. When Penelope left, she put one hand on Lilith's shoulder.

"When there is anything you don't want to talk about with Spencer, then come to me, okay?"

Lilith nodded.

"Don't you only nod your head, you should do it, honey."

"I just understood you."

"Don't act so bitchy."

"I'm sorry."

"Just a last tip, before I leave. When Spencer comes back, I'll let you know. He's very happy when he gets something to eat. You should fetch something from the Mexican restaurant around the corner."

"Thanks."


End file.
